Written by Martha Hopler

…wonder and discovery continue…look at my initial 'matryoshka writings' in the February post. Read my writings as an unfolding process - February’s blogpost folds into July’s…

Discovering the celebration of the mother-daughter relationship by looking at the matryoshka dolls, continues to be a source of my wonder. These dolls carry history, have a nesting ability (at times they are called nesting dolls) and each are uniquely decorated to tell a story.

I am fascinated by what it means to explore the invitation to celebrate a relationship that is both difficult and complex. The history of the matryoshka doll was originally painted and copied from Japanese dolls. The idea that the doll itself was taken from another culture, suggests that there is meaning in the history of its creation; one culture copies from another in creating its own story.

These dolls have become a symbol of the work Hillary and I do in the therapeutic setting. The goal of this work we are embarking upon is not only to explore relationship issues, but also to create a space that invites the celebration of the complexity of the mother-daughter relationship. The nesting dolls symbolize this complex, interconnected space, felt in the action of taking the dolls apart and also putting them back together. As women, are we not like this at times? We look like one “I am” – standing alone. But when we open up our stories and our lives, one discovers what is within - whether it is our mother and her relationship to a daughter, or sisters to sisters, or a friend to a friend. The “within-ness” begins the conversation where we are speaking of relationships and those who we know and want to be known by. The opening up can be a difficult process that initially takes time.

The beauty and the story of the dolls are hidden until someone takes the time to open and discover all seven or so dolls. When they are all lined up one can see from tallest to smallest a story that someone took time to paint on each and every doll.

The question becomes, as women, can I really know me and who I am if I have not taken the time to look at the long line of other women who are in my story? As women we all stand on our own while being interconnected.

Movie: Juno (2007)
Juno Blog Entry #2

Hillary’s words and reflections…

Movie Quote: “Vanessa, if you’re still in, I’m in – Juno.”

These words are shown at the end of the movie, doodled on a Jiffy Lube receipt by Juno and placed on the adoptive mother's doorstep. Juno pens this sentence after realizing that Vanessa and her husband, Mark, might not stay together. The “perfect” couple chosen by Juno in the Penny Saver, is no longer perfect-appearing. Juno is faced with what she will do in the midst of her new reality. She chooses to join with Vanessa. Meaning, Juno’s words and actions – whether or not they represent the “right” decision – show a willingness to move toward Vanessa even though the marital picture is crumbling. So motherhood arrives in the midst of changing plans, a shifty marriage, and chaos. The unplanned pregnancy begins with a single, teenage mom and ends with a single, adult mom.

So, it seems that Juno is a movie about living in the midst of the unplanned, unfolding realities of life. In the end motherhood impacts every person in the movie. And, if the movie could continue the same mysterious mixture of joy and sorrow would keep inter-weaving itself through out Juno and Vanessa's life.

Martha’s words and reflections…
Hope lost, hope found, love lost, love found, and love kept. These are the string of thoughts I have at that end of the movie. In my mind, I want to simplify the process by saying, “Yes problem solved.” Because a teen mother (Juno) is no longer a mother, she is free to go back to her life. And Vanessa, although she is a single-adoptive mother, still gets what she wants. The part of me that likes life to be black and white says, “Yes this is how it should be.” Mistake made. There is nothing lost and nothing gained.

But wait a minute, when one sits with the end of the movie, one is invited to look closer at all the choices given and made. In these choices love and hope are found. However, love and hope are not found because everyone followed the rules or was able to “fix the problem."

Juno chooses to change the course of history by loving herself as she sticks to what she wants. Juno joins with Vanessa who longs and desires to care for a baby by continuing with the adoptive plan. Juno does not make Vanessa suffer the consequences of her husband's bad choices.

Vanessa is focused, whether rightly or wrongly, on becoming a mother. It is Juno who has the ability to invite her into the space of motherhood and she does.

The point is love wins. But, love wins in a way that veers from the original plan. Plans change and love is still found in the midst of the complex moments of human existence.

**Enjoy the movie Juno! The ending is full of rich discussion for women (& families) of all ages and stages of life: girl, teenager, mother, and daughter.**

Movie: Juno (2007)

Watched together and crafted by Martha Hopler & Hillary Augustine Vandenbos

Hillary’s words and reflections…

Juno is a movie about what? I struggle to know where to begin.

It’s about a chair. It’s about two teenagers having sex in a chair. Juno is about a teenage girl, named Juno (played by Ellen Page) and a teenage boy named Paulie Bleeker (played by Michael Cera) who are trying to figure out connection, life, and love. The movie starts with a lazy boy chair and ends with a rocking chair. The changing imagery from the beginning to the end of the movie is profound and can be interpreted in a variety of ways.

It is difficult to describe the movie from one vantage point. There are many scenes packed with meaning and feeling. This movie is brilliant because it sprinkles the complexities of life with humor and wit. For example, the heaviness of a teenage girl observing and shaking the pink, plus sign on a pregnancy test while standing in the check-out area of a neighborhood, convenient store is juxtaposed with the cashier’s comment, “That ain’t no etch-a-sketch. That’s one doodle that can’t be undid.” A hilarious, quick-witted comment that acknowledges Juno’s desperation to “erase” the positive, pink sign while inviting me, the audience, into the hard reality of teenage pregnancy.

Maybe I have difficulty describing the movie because it’s hard to enter into a teenage girl’s life. To attach to the story of Juno, means that I have to live into the reality that life is complex, ever changing, and packed with conflicting feelings. Life includes teenage girls making decisions about abortion, wondering about adoption, seeking adoptive parents in a local newspaper called the Penny Saver, being sexually active, dealing with teenage pregnancy, and growing up faster than expected.

But wait, if I enter from a different perspective, the movie is also about an affluent couple who longs for a baby. It is about a couple who has suffered because an adoption “didn’t work out” echoing the words of the adoptive mom, Vanessa (played by Jennifer Garner). It is about a man, Mark (played by Jason Bateman) who is confused about life and marriage. So, maybe I have difficulty describing the movie because it’s hard to enter into the reality that life includes lonely marriages, husband’s who want “out,” and women who long to have children, but can’t for whatever reason. So, Juno is also about the reality that troubled marriages reside in immaculate houses with well-landscaped yards. The outward appearance looks good, but the inward reality is extremely difficult. Yes, life is complex, ever changing, and packed with conflicted feelings.

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Martha’s words, reflections, questions, and wonderings…

Juno is a movie about a young women becoming a mother too soon.

- Too soon or just not planned?

- Or is the movie about a young girl and her boyfriend doing something that seems fun because they had nothing else to do that day?

- Then, there is the question of whether the movie is about adoption or a desire to have a child. Is the desire to have a child a good thing for the affluent couple, Vanessa and Mark, because they are married and have “fine home furnishings?”

- Is it the right timing for Vanessa and Mark to have a child? However, the right timing is called into question when one realizes that the husband, Mark, really wants to stay a teenager. So, growing up becomes a theme; growing up too soon or too late.

As one watches this movie, one realizes that it has multiple themes. The movie leads to many questions about motherhood and what it means to be a woman. It also highlights the reality of parents who are realizing just how little control they have over the growing up process of their daughter.

The questions you find yourself asking may be connected to where you find yourself in your own story. The parts of the movie where you see yourself crying could be where you are grieving things you’ve lost or maybe where you experience angry pain that has not made you sad yet. If you want to leave the room or turn the movie off, this could reveal shameful places in your life you would rather not talk about?

I enjoy movies when they speak to me in a way that allows me to listen and feel. If you have watched Juno, I encourage you to watch it again and listen to your body, heart, and mind. Wonder how you are connecting to yourself which will then provide the opportunity for you to connect to those you love.

Mother's Therapy Group

Beginning Saturday,
May 16 2009

Martha Hopler, MSW, MSN
Hillary Augustine Vandenbos, MA, MAC,
co-therapists

May 16 - June 18
(10 weeks)
10:00 a.m.—11:30 a.m.

Lake Union Counseling

(Directions below)

$320 for 10 weeks

Click here to register:
reimaginedspace@gmail.com

Exploring the intersections and intervals
between a woman and a girl or two woman…

To schedule a counseling appointment or inquire about a group,
call 206.817.4913 or email reimaginedspace@gmail.com

FAQs: Frequently Asked Questions

· Who are your clientele?
Mothers & daughters, & women who come two-by-two
(teenage to adult)

· Is there an age range for the mother’s therapy group?
There is not a specific age range.

We believe cross-generational conversation is needed & helpful.

Also, the title, “mother,” is open to each women’s interpretation.

Biological children are one element of mothering,

but does not include all women’s “mothering experience.”

· Would you see a women individually?
Yes, we are co-therapists so we work together –

whether an individual or duo is the client .

Directions to Lake Union Counseling
534 Westlake Ave North, Suite 240
Seattle, WA 98109

From I-5 North or South:
· Take the Mercer Street exit (#167)
· Merge into the middle lane to turn left at the light onto Fairview
· Turn left on Fairview and stay in far right lane
· Turn right on Republican
· Go three blocks, turn right on Westlake
· The building is 534 Westlake Ave
(corner of Westlake and Mercer—
brown, multilevel professional building)
· Take the elevator to the 2nd floor, Suite 240.
Please wait in the waiting room.
· One-hour free parking is available on Republican & Westlake

Iron Jawed Angels (2004)

written by Hillary Augustine Vandenbos (crafted with Martha Hopler)

Our March entry is meant to highlight and acknowledge Women's History Month. On this last day of March 2009, may you reflect upon this month by watching Iron Jawed Angels. We believe this movie should be seen by all men and women, serving as a tactile reminder that the 1920 amendment to the constitution lawfully shifted women from a place of chattel to active participants in American society. Since 1920, American women have been fighting on many fronts to be viewed as equal citizens under the law. This movie resurrects the stories of women who lived less than 100 years ago; women who did not have full citizenship.

As women, we stand on each others shoulders when we actively participate in contemporary society. History reminds us that our work, our voice, and our position in culture is always linked back through time to women and men who fought on our behalf. May you not forget the suffrage women who risked their lives, facing abuse so that we could live with a bit more freedom. Watch this movie! It is an amazing tribute to the tenacity, strength, bravery, and inner courage of our foremothers.

"The purpose of Women's History Month is to increase consciousness and knowledge of women's history: to take one month of the year to remember the contributions of notable and ordinary women, in hopes that the day will soon come when it's impossible to teach or learn history without remembering these contributions." (quote from: http://womenshistory.about.com/od/womenshistorymonth/a/whm_history.htm)

Written by Martha Hopler (crafted with Hillary Augustine Vandenbos)

“The matryoshka doll made me want to discover and celebrate my mother-daughter story. “

Quote from Sue Monk Kidd’s book, The Dance of The Dissident Daughter

This statement stopped me when I first read Kidd’s book. I had to remember what matryoshka dolls looked like: they are dolls carved in the shape of a woman that stack inside each other and often have a family story painted on them. What I did not know was that matryoshka is the Russian word for mother. I was surprised that something created in a family context in another culture might help me to have a more clear picture of what it means to celebrate my story as a woman and as a daughter. I found myself wanting to run out and buy one of these dolls to see if there was something magical about the doll itself that would lead to a celebration of my mother-daughter story. But as I explored this thought further, I realized that for me the key phrase in Sue Monk Kidd’s statement is “to discover,” a curious uncovering of some sort. One woman into another, this reminds us that we are not alone.

I pondered Kidd's statement for a few moments longer; it caught me in a way that creates a desire to explore more. I am not often invited to discover or celebrate what it means to be a woman. I do want to be a woman who celebrates and enjoys being a daughter and a woman, but how I get there is often very unclear to me. For the moment, I go to the doll I now have in my possession. The matryoshka doll in my care was given to Hillary by her brother-in-law who worked and lived in Russia. The doll is beautiful. I enjoy taking it apart and putting it back together. But how does this further my desire to discover and celebrate my relationships to other women?

Reflecting back, as Hillary and I talked about where the doll came from, I realized that our conversation moved quite quickly from the doll itself into a conversation of discovery. How does one celebrate mothers and daughters in a culture that historically has not? What does it mean for a woman to allow the needed space for this to occur?

The hollowness of each doll reminds me that for us to join together as women we must have space in our lives to do so. And here is it is again – discovery - the physical way the doll is created has helped me stumble upon a truth. Maybe space is needed for the unclear entry or starting point in the mother-daughter conversation to become clear?

A conversation has begun as Hillary speaks of the doll’s significance for each of us and as I handle the doll’s many stackable pieces. Our relationships with other women, starting with the mother-daughter relationship, are going to begin in ways that might not have started yet. There needs to be places of discovery where the conversation regarding mother-daughter relationships is happening so that the importance of feminine relationships is recognized.

**Where is that place for you?**

Movie: Girls Just Want to Have Fun (1985)
Written by Hillary Augustine Vandenbos (crafted with Martha Hopler)

I (Hillary) have watched this movie about 10 times over the last 10 years. I love to watch movies about dancing, especially movies that play off an MTV-theme where video, dance, music, and rhythm are combined for entertaining midday viewing (perfect timing for after school vegging out). Dancing does something to my soul—unfolding areas of me that conversation rarely taps.

It was fun for us (Martha and Hillary) to watch this movie together. Martha quickly and keenly pointed out that this movie represents a pre-American Idol era. Many years before the saucy Simon, charming Paula, and jovial Randy graced the stage of modern-day Hollywood, this movie captures competition, judging, and hope that “greatness” can come to teenage girls. Janey, played by Sarah Jessica Parker and Lynne, played by Helen Hunt, desperately wish to “break out” of their strict Catholic School tradition to dance in Chicago on Dance TV. The movie’s lightness and fun is helped by trickles of Cyndi Lauper’s 1983 song, “Girl’s Just Want to Have Fun” (written & originally recorded by Robert Hazard in 1979).

As we reflected on this movie, it became evident, yet again, that the mother’s voice (like many of the 80’s type-movies) is silent and her physical presence is missing in action. There is a mothering void which reverberated inside of our souls in the form of a question: Where is the mother?

Janey attempts to converse with her parents in the beginning of the movie that ends with her mother leaving the room. The mother’s exit leaves Janey nervously fidgeting as she explains her desire to dance to her father. It is a painful interaction. The father sternly responds, “Negative,” further explaining in military language the dangers of Chicago. He quickly speaks of the need for reconnaissance work to scope out the “enemy territory” of the big city.

The defensive posture of the father is too much for Janey’s dancing request. As the movie unfolds, we are given more insight when Janey’s mother reveals that dancing was part of their past. Hmmm… Mom, we needed your voice in this father-daughter interaction. We needed you to wonder aloud about your daughter’s dancing spirit that might have resurrected something in the family and in your marriage. Like a good wine and cheese combination, we needed the paring of the mother-father voice, not the dominant, isolation of Sergeant Father. But nevertheless we are left with a stern, scared father and an absent, scared mother.

A further look at some of the main characters reveals a gaping “mother” hole which begs many questions and delivers few answers. Jeff Malene, Janey’s dance partner, played by Lee Montgomery, comes from a family where no mom is present and all we know is that she was “there” at one point. “There” meaning, Jeff’s younger sister, Maggie, mentions “missing mom” and that’s all we get, folks. Yep, mom is gone and we, the audience, get nothing more than a morsel of hope that details of the story will follow, but to no avail. Mom’s story is nonexistent and no further explanation is given.

Natalie, played by Holly Gagnier, is a rich-snob in the movie. She sabotages, manipulates, and tugs at our injustice nerves. She seeks to win the Dance TV competition with money, power, and status. Of course, we know nothing about her mother. In her life, we don’t even get a crumb of detail. Neither she nor her father (J.P. Sands) mentions anything about a mother.

So, why is this movie worth seeing?

Because, teenage girls are resilient and exploratory and somehow they attempt to pick up where pieces of their family’s story is left off or broken. For instance, did Janey know her parents used to dance? The energy, creativity and liveliness of Janey and Lynne are contagious and captivating. Their journey to Dance TV is made together.

In a poignant scene, Janey’s father chops off the tree limbs outside Janey’s bedroom window. You see, Janey, has been sneaking out at night to rehearse for Dance TV and her physical avenue for escape are the tree limbs which so conveniently bridges her uncontrollable, exploring soul to the outside world of dance. This girl wants to dance AND she will. However, what the father does not realize is that a girl’s desire to get out is from within. The ability for a girl to be free is from within.

Janey wants more than the prison of her home. With out the tree limbs, she still has her friend Lynne and she has her bedroom window—both represent access to the outside world. With her persistence and Lynne’s ingenuity to drop a rope from the top of the house, the girls make one last effort to secure their spot on Dance TV.

The ending is predictable. Although Janey’s parents are excited when accomplishment is granted (you can guess what happens), the family’s celebration is separate and trivial because they all missed the journey. They did not engage in Janey’s progression.

Somewhere along the way, the parents stopped dancing. The mom stopped speaking and the “family tin man” locked up, needing a few squirts of oil and a heart transplant. Janey unconsciously attempted to grease the locked up joints of the family by pursuing her dream, but she did it in secret because too much family stuff needed to be dealt with to see a daughter dance.

• What would it have looked for the mother to have engaged with Janey by driving her to dance rehearsals? (i.e., eliminating the need for what could be seen as bad behavior)
• If winning by any means becomes the goal, how does it impede or enhance relationship?
• How do girls/women have fun? (i.e., How do we get seen? How do we get heard?)