Movie: Anywhere But Here (1999)

Opening quote:
My mother made an amazing amount of noise when she ate her food. It was as if she was trying to taste the entire world. Sometimes I just couldn't stand her. Sometimes I hated her. Sometimes I thought she was ruining my life. What kept me going was knowing one day I would leave her.

As a mother fights to let go...a daughter wonders if she can grow up and go away (both psychologically and physically). As a daughter fails to grieve…a mother wonders if she is to blame.

It is a hard space for a mother and a daughter when identities are emerging simultaneously. The movie captures the "emerging identity dance" that occurs as both the mother and daughter try to live into who they are, while “running” from their fears for most of the movie. For instance, the mother moves to Beverly Hills to escape the pain of her real life – constantly conjuring up fantasy stories - while the daughter wrestles with what it means to “leave her mom, well” in order to grow into her desires.

The question of whose independence is valued or important is a consistent theme and interplay. The perception is that the mother's job is to create and define independence for the daughter. However, this is a false perception. As portrayed in the movie, when the daughter begins to act upon what she internally desires (i.e., applying to college at Brown and contacting her dad), she presses both she and her mother into a place where they must grieve various pieces of their lives in order to open up space for something new in their relationship. The daughter’s actions and boldness help bring clarity and freedom.

The movie ends with both the mother and daughter living into more of who they were meant to be. The mother begins working as a speech pathologist – consistent to her background and training - and the daughter goes away to pursue her college education.

The shift in the beginning and the ending quotes highlights the daughter’s realization that conflicting feelings are present in all mother-daughter relationships. Even with the mother's annoying behavior, the daughter states that the world would not be the same without her mother. In fact, it would lose its shape, going from round to flat.

In summary, a mothering void creates a cosmic shift in a daughter's world and a daughter teaches a mother how to love, let go, and live. Their lives intertwine and effect one another.

Ending quote:
“Even if you can’t stand her. Even if you hate her. Even if she’s ruining your life, there’s something about my mother. Some romance. Some power. And when she dies the world will be flat. Too simple. Too fair. Too reasonable.”

At the end of the movie a song begins with the words, “Free to find where I belong." Isn't the "belonging place" where the mother and daughter both wanted to be with each other?

• Where did you see the mother’s identity and a daughter’s identity try to emerge?
• How did you see the ambivalent feelings of connection and control get played out – in the mother and the daughter?
• Where did you notice themes of death? (i.e., death of a dream, death of expectations, and death of fantasy’s?)